I’m a planner by nature. But I decided to do something out of my comfort zone since it’s the summer. I just wrote. Whatever came to mind, whatever themes emerged in clients that week, whatever issue about dating and relationships that’s been bugging me.
Despite not planning out a theme, one emerged. Almost every piece corrected the same thing, and it wasn’t your relationship. It was your read of it.
So the last set of articles gets a name. False Alarms. It’s about the distance between what a relationship feels like from the inside and what’s true inside it, and about learning to tell a real signal from a loud one. Your gut is a confident narrator and an unreliable one.
I’ve spent this past week in Boston at the Love Strategies Lux Event, speaking to a live audience about the exact thing I write about here: How to date more confidently and build stronger relationships. It’s been a full week, so instead of a new piece, here’s the whole series to catch up on or revisit.
The Relationship Wasn’t Changing You. Your Fear Was. – The feeling that you’re disappearing into the relationship almost never means what you’re afraid it means.
You’re Probably Hallucinating Rejection – You replayed the pause before they answered and the flatness of one reply, and built a rejection out of nothing. Here’s how the brain manufactures it.
The Relationship Thoughts You’re Too Ashamed to Say Out Loud – The thought you’d never admit to your partner is more common, and far less damning, than the shame wrapped around it. (PAID)
The Smarter You Are, The Worse You Fight – Being smart doesn’t protect you here. Under conflict your intelligence works against you, and there’s a reason for it. (PAID)
The Fake Yes – You think you settled it. You got a yes that was never a yes, and the same fight keeps coming back because the agreement was fake.
The Unexpected Thing That Happens When Dating Actually Goes Well – Things go right and something in you goes looking for the catch. That reflex has a name and an origin.
You’re Working Hard on the Wrong Dating Problems – The problem isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough. You’re aiming all that effort at the wrong target.
How to Actually Fix Your Dating Life (Hint: It’s Not What You Think) – The fix isn’t a better pool of people. It’s something more in your control than that, and less flattering. (Normally PAID, but free for this week)
You Date Better in Theory Than in Practice – You know exactly what a healthy relationship looks like. Knowing it and doing it are different skills, and the gap between them is where the trouble lives.
Can You and Your Partner Build a Life Together? – Test your relationship…Once you stop chasing the false alarms, this is the question worth your attention, and a way to answer it honestly.
The Foundation Standard: Build It Before You Break It – The standard to build on before the problems arrive, not after. The 2.0 version (PAID).
Read them in any order. If you want the fastest way in, start with whichever fear you’re most certain is real. In my experience that’s the one most likely to be the false alarm.
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I’ll be back next week with something I think you’ll find genuinely uncomfortable in the best possible way: Why the Worst Partners Are the Hardest to Get Over.
If this reading list was useful, please hit the like button or pass it along to someone who loves psychology or relationships.
Thanks for helping me share relationship science with the world!!
Photo by Kunal Baroth
Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
