Ooof.
I knew that Roger was going to die, but I didn’t think it was going to be this soon.
I remember telling God, about a month ago, that I don’t really want to shepherd a 15 or 16-year-old dog to his death. It was casual-like, “Hey man, Rog is almost 13, and he’s slowing down a lot. I don’t think either of us want two more years of this.”
A few days later, I noticed a limp. I thought it was because he got tripped up on my foam roller at home and pulled something. But it didn’t get better after a few days.
Some friends of mine who lost their dog recently to cancer told me that a limp was the first sign that something wasn’t right.
So, I went to the vet and they took X-rays. During the exam, she came back to say, “I found a lump.” They took a biopsy. “It could be nothing. Old dogs get lumps. I’ll call you in a few days.”
A few days later, she called back with the results of the X-rays and the biopsy.
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Advanced Osteo Arthritis in the leg/paw/shoulder.
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Chronic soft tissue damage to his paw.
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Sarcoma (cancer) on his shoulder, affecting his gait
He was also starting to develop kidney issues, and his eyes, while non-functional for quite a while, were beginning to register higher than normal pressure levels, which could be painful and uncomfortable.
The writing was on the wall.
“The sarcoma is benign, but we can’t really operate. He’s blind, senior, and the recovery will be brutal. We can give him a shot for the pain. It might help.” They did, and it helped, sort of.
I knew then that I wouldn’t be bringing him back to LA with me in November. And it made sense for him to live the rest of his days in Montreal, in the apartment where we spent most of his life—surrounded by people who knew him and loved him.
And, also importantly, I had a network of friends who could hold me in my grief here. I don’t have that in LA, yet.
So, I tried to give him the best month of his life. I didn’t know he only had a month to go, but while he was still able to get around, we made the most of it.
We went camping.
I brought him to the countryside.
We took trailer rides to the park and saw friends.
Went to our favorite coffee shops.
We cuddled a lot.
And he still fetched every day of his life.
Except for last Thursday.
That day, he didn’t eat his breakfast for the second time in a row, and the man never missed a meal.
He also could no longer put any weight on his left leg. I took him down two flights of stairs so he could go potty on the bit of grass across the street, and you could see he was in pain.
He couldn’t walk, and he could barely hold himself up. So, I took him in my arms and laid him on my bed. I held him for a few hours, and now and then, he would shiver.
It’s hard to decide when to put your beloved pet down, and some people tell you that your pet will let you know. Those little shivers were him telling me that life was too painful now.
I called my friend Adele.
“Can you come? Roger isn’t well. I think this is the end.”
I looked at the time—10 AM. I called the vet and made an appointment for 4 PM.
I had planned on having a little going-away party for him, but the end came sooner than I had anticipated. So, instead, and for the following hours, we showered Roger with all the love in the world.
I fed him some Michelin-star chicken and fries leftovers that I’d had in the fridge. He liked those.
We took him for his last pee, his last drink of water, and his last trailer ride to the vet.
And then we settled in for another hour or so of cuddles and we sang him songs: Tracy Chapman, The Beatles, Nick Cave, and The Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. We gave him no personal space. Just smothered the guy in love.
And then, when the vet asked me if I was ready, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn’t. But he was.
I didn’t want him to suffer any more than he had already. And I am so grateful for all the love he poured into me. And me into him.
So, farewell, my sweet love. I am honored to have walked this path with you for the last 12 years. You’ve been a stellar dog. Truly, a perfect angel.
I’m taking a few weeks off to grieve him, and so much more that seems to all come up at once. It’s been a heavy month for me.
I look forward to coming back in a more grounded space. I have lots of updates for you. Thank you for all your kind words.
