The myth of “The One” and relationship discomfort

When you meet the one, everything will fall into place, right?

That’s the message we’ve been fed. When you meet the one, everything will be easy. It’ll just click. There won’t be any discomfort, friction, or conflict because you will have met your soulmate.

Disney and Hollywood have sold us this fantasy for decades.

And sure, there’s a little truth to it. There are plenty of people we could be in relationships with who just aren’t right for us. Our personalities, conflict resolution styles, attachment patterns, and childhood experiences can make some relationships harder than they need to be.

But the idea that you’re going to meet someone and it’ll just be easy? That’s bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, some people are plain wrong for you, and your body will let you know. It will be HARD because you’ll be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the inherent challenges that come up when two people open their hearts to each other.

I just want to recognize something: if you’re experiencing relationship discomfort right now, it’s normal. It’s normal for people to come together and for that person to trigger you, to poke at your wounds, to test you, to call you into a different way of being.

Dating is scary and nerve-wracking. Relationships are challenging. I want to acknowledge how monumentally difficult it is to be in a relationship with another human being.

Which might explain why I’ve been single more than not during my dateable life, but that’s not the point of this post. You can read about that here.

Of course, some relationships will be easier than others. But if you want to build something big and beautiful with someone, there’s going to be work involved. You’re going to have to speak up and stand up for what you want and need. And those conversations can be incredibly uncomfortable.

There’s nothing easy about talking to your partner, or the person you’re dating, about a behavior that triggers you or makes you uncomfortable. Because deep down, the fear is that they’ll leave. That you’re too much. That speaking up will trigger your fear of abandonment, rejection, and inadequacy.

Here’s the reality: solid relationships require an incredible amount of communication and the ability to sit with emotional discomfort.

Research on stable couples reveals that conflict is not only common but also a healthy part of relationships. Even the happiest couples experience disagreements regularly, they just learn to navigate them effectively over time.

We don’t talk about how comfortable the positive emotions are. Joy, bliss, and happiness are easy. Disappointment, pain, anger, jealousy? Much harder, and if we’re being honest, probably more common. Which is sort of why we need to be pros at sitting with discomfort.

Just because you experience discomfort in your relationship, no matter what stage you’re in, doesn’t mean something is wrong. It’s normal.

The relationship will ebb and flow. There will be moments of friction. And you have a decision to make and questions to ask yourself:

• Do I want to work through this?

• Do I want to explore what’s underneath this trigger?

• Is this person behaving inappropriately, or is this behavior just feeling familiar because of how I grew up?

When there’s friction or conflict, you have an opportunity. You can turn and walk away, or you can turn towards it and get curious about what the hell is going on and whether there’s a way through.

And more often than not? There is a way through.

But, I’ll also be the first to admit that I’ve walked away when, in hindsight, I should have stayed. Because I would have learned more about myself and my relational patterns, which could have led to either a deepening of the relationship or a better understanding of my patterns and my capacity for relational growth.

Sitting with discomfort is monumentally difficult. We’re not bred to want to sit with pain in any way, shape, or form. We want to numb, turn away from it, and soothe ourselves.

We don’t really want to look at how complex relationships are. We are so complex. Your particular life experience, your story, your wounds, your dreams, your hopes, your expectations, all of this comes into play. And it collides with someone else’s stories, wounds, traumas, experiences, hopes, dreams, and fears.

Is it any surprise that you’re going to experience some discomfort? Regardless of how new or established the relationship is.

We are much too complex for the puzzle pieces to all fit neatly together.

Dan Savage says not to look for the one, but to aim for .67 and round up.

People ask me constantly:

“Is it normal to feel this? Is it normal to do that? How should I feel?”

And the answer is often: I have no idea. Because I’m not you with your specific set of experiences dealing with this particular situation, and someone else’s particular set of experiences.

There is no one answer. We’re all looking for the right answer, even me, as I sit here, on the edge of another big life transition, asking God, or whomever, for the right answer.

But turning towards the friction and discomfort and getting curious about why it’s here, rather than putting on your suit of armor and walking away, will lead to more fulfilling, safer, more vulnerable, intimate relationships. Whether it’s with this person or the next one.

These tools will pay dividends for the rest of your life in all your relationships. The ability to stay when something is uncomfortable and to get curious about why something is happening will follow you forever. If you always turn around and walk away at the first sign of friction, you’ll find yourself with a small life and a thin skin. And this life ain’t built for the thin-skinned, my friend!

And listen, I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship. Abuse can take many forms: physical violence, emotional manipulation, verbal degradation, or controlling behavior. I never advocate for patience and grit in the face of abuse for the sake of growth. In these cases, you need to peace the fuck out ASAP.

I’m saying pause and get curious about whether this is something you can work through.

Of course, that means the other person also has to want to work through it with you. A relationship is two (or more for my polyamorous folx!) people working towards a common goal.

If you’re the only one doing all the work, that’s not a very balanced relationship. Maybe that works for you for whatever reason—no judgment here. But it takes two people.

If you’re willing to sit with the discomfort and explore the friction, and the other person isn’t, there’s nothing you can really do about that.

It takes two people wanting it to work for it to work. And even then, two people can want it to work, and it still might not. That’s also an unfortunate option. And a very real one.

My most painful breakups have been with women with whom we both really tried to show up for one another, but the gulf was too wide.

In any relationship, you will step on somebody’s toes, and they will step on yours. That doesn’t mean that as soon as they step on your toes, you peace out or that they peace out. Addressing it as soon as possible can prevent escalation.

It means you say:

“Ouch, you stepped on my toes. This is how I feel.”

A great script for that is:

“When you did this, I felt this.”

“When you didn’t reply to my text message last night, I felt abandoned. And I’m not saying that you’re abandoning me, just that that’s what came up for me.”

The scripts I share are jumping-off points for deeper conversations. I couldn’t possibly give you the full script for handling every bit of friction in your relationship. I provide the beginning part of the conversation so you can jump in—because oftentimes the beginning part is the scariest part.

So many people want to have difficult conversations without offending the other person.

“How can I tell my partner I need space without offending them?”

Well, you can wrap every statement in all the fluffy cotton balls in the world, and they’ll still get offended and hurt. And that’s OK. If, in your heart, you have good intentions and you’re bringing something up for the eventual good of the relationship, sometimes that’s all you can do.

But once you’re in? That’s where you get to find out what happens next.

It’s worth noting that you can’t really control the outcome. Ever. Unless you’re a master manipulator, in which case you’re probably reading the wrong guy.

But you can control your reaction to how people treat you and how you handle the discomfort, friction, or unwanted behavior.

You can choose to play small and let it go, and build resentment. Or you can choose to speak up and see what happens.

Take ownership of your emotional response. Try to get some clarity around why that happened.

I’m obsessed with clarity.

I’m obsessed with:

“When you said this, what did you mean?”

“When you did this, why?”

So you can understand where people are coming from.

This question helps a lot when you’re experiencing relationship discomfort—to know why someone did something or what they meant by what they said.

I don’t think you can ever assume anything. You’ll never win by guessing why someone did something.

The only way forward that I know of is to speak up. Communicate what you’re feeling, how something made you feel, and what you’d like to see differently. How can we upgrade this? How can we make our relationship even more fulfilling and satisfying?

Not easy. None of this is easy.

It’s fairly simple, though. A lot of the tools I teach are simple: Speak up. Stand up. Say no when you need to. Ask for clarity when you’re unclear. It’s pretty basic.

But it’s hard to do. Because the fear of rejection or inadequacy is probably blocking you from having those conversations. Your past experiences, your childhood relationship with your primary caregivers, and your traumas all affect how you act today.

And still, you don’t need to be perfect to start.

I would much rather you bumble your way through a conversation that you need to have, to relieve some of that relationship anxiety or discomfort, and mess it up, than to not have it at all and just hope it’ll eventually solve itself on its own.

Which it never does.

Any problem in your life can be solved with time, energy, and resources. Your problems will not just go away on their own. They’re going to need some effort on your part and effort on the other person’s part.

And sometimes that other person is not willing to make the effort. And then you have to decide how you want to move forward.

People’s responses give you excellent information about how to move forward.

And sometimes, unfortunately, they don’t want to move forward with you. They don’t want to put in the same amount of energy and effort into solving a relationship issue as you do.

Then you get to decide: Do you stay and accept the situation as it is, or do you go?

You always have an option to stay or to leave. That’s it.

So if you need permission to have an uncomfortable conversation with somebody in your life that may lead to more closeness or clarity—this is it. This is the permission you’ve been seeking.

You don’t need it from me, but I’ll give it to you anyway.

Have the conversation. See what happens.

Be open to them being receptive. Be open to there being less discomfort and friction in your relationship.

And when I say relationship, I mean from the second date on. We are constantly in relationship with people—whether it’s the barista at Starbucks, your family members, your long-term partner, or the person you’re in a situationship with.

These are all relationships. Just different types. And you can experience discomfort in all of them.

Relationships are beautiful opportunities to get to know yourself and the other person better. But no one said this was going to be easy. Everyone said this was going to be easy when you find the right person, that it’ll all kind of fall into place.

Some of those things fall into place. But they don’t all fall into place.

Get curious about the source of friction. Be willing to have uncomfortable conversations. Be open to your partner’s receptiveness and the possibility of reducing friction through communication.

That’s the work. And it’s worth it.

Thanks for being here, folks, and I’d love to hear from you.

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