New: I just went deep on this with Amy Baldwin of Shameless Sex over on the Love Drive podcast. Watch below or listen on your favorite podcast app.
How do I know? Because women have been leaving comments on my social media, and some have told me in person. After going down on them, I’d hear some version of:
“Wow. Most men have no idea what they’re doing. That was refreshing.”
Or,
“Thank you for taking your time.”
Not every time. But often enough to know it’s a problem.
Why are men so bad at it? Usually one of two reasons: they don’t like doing it, or they have no idea what they’re doing. Good news, my dudes (and women who want to get better at this too): both are fixable. Read on.
I do. I’ve done a lot of it over the years. Sounds vulgar written down, but it is what it is.
If you’ve been sexually active for a couple of decades, odds are you’ve eaten a lot of pussy or sucked a lot of dick — and hopefully you’re good at it by now. I can count on one hand the number of times I haven’t gone down on a partner during sex. That’s good news for my lovers, because women love great oral. Most people love great oral.
But bad oral sex? Nobody wants that.
They say sex is like pizza — even when it’s bad, it’s still good. I couldn’t disagree more.
Bad oral isn’t “still good.” At best it’s meh; at worst it hurts, gets awkward, and kills the moment. I’d rather stay home with my dog (RIP Roger!) and a good book. And I’m guessing you feel the same.
Eating pussy is the most efficient way I’ve found to make a woman orgasm — quicker and more reliably than penetration. Most women can’t come from penetration alone; there has to be clitoral stimulation before or during.
I like it when my partners come, and I try to help them get there before I do — because, ahem, my interest in continuing tends to drop off once I finish. So she goes first.
Orgasm isn’t the goal of sex. But it’s a hell of a nice side effect, and the more the merrier.
Alright — five ways to get better at it.
Go slow. That means foreplay, and lots of it.
Foreplay turns me on and cranks my partner’s arousal way up. It’s a win-win, because women rarely get enough of it — most guys just stick it in and skip ahead.
Take your time exploring her whole body: her back, her thighs, the backs of her knees, the nape of her neck. Kiss and lick everywhere — except her pussy. Stay away from it as long as you can. Graze the outer lips, brush her bush, but no direct contact for at least twenty minutes.
Hands off the pussy, homie.
It drives her wild, and it reminds you that her pussy isn’t the only erogenous zone. Find five spots that make her crazy and remember them for next time. The slower you go, the more worked up she gets. Once she’s writhing and pushing herself toward your mouth, that’s your green light.
Women take longer to reach peak arousal than men do. If you care about her pleasure — and you know penetration alone usually won’t get her there, no matter how great you think your dick is — then you’re settling in for more than five minutes. So get cozy as fuck.
Don’t be scrunched up on all fours or sliding off the edge of the bed. Ask her to scoot up and lie on a diagonal so you can get in between her legs without wrecking your neck. The more comfortable you are, the longer and better you’ll last.
Not sure if what you’re doing is working? She’s almost certainly telling you — you just have to read it.
Watch how she moves. Is she rotating her hips in time with you? Pushing into your mouth? Is her skin flushed? Is she moaning? Getting wetter? Grabbing your head and holding it there? Great — keep doing exactly that.
Then notice what changes when you switch things up: speed, pressure, adding a finger, playing with her nipples, some pressure on her mons. Does it ramp her up or cool her down? Did she go quiet when you moved from steady G-spot pressure to sliding in and out? That’s information — use it.
And when you want to try something new — especially somewhere new, like her ass — ask first. “Can I touch you here?” is hot, not a mood-killer. Surprising someone is how you lose the moment and the trust. Consent is the sexy part, not the speed bump.
Watch her face, her chest, her breathing. She’s giving you nearly everything you need. You just have to look for it.
I’m not a mind reader. Neither are you.
I’ve gotten good at reading the nonverbal stuff, but nothing beats actually talking to your partner while you’re down there. I’ve got techniques that reliably work — but everyone’s different, and what’s perfect for one woman does nothing for another.
Talking about sex during sex is a huge turn-on, and it gets you the exact information you need:
“Does this feel good?”
“Constant pressure on your G-spot, or in-and-out?”
“Circular on your clit, or up and down?”
“Flat of my tongue or the tip? Here, let me try both — tell me which you like.”
Women are turned on by men who can talk about sex during sex. The best way to find out if what you’re doing is working is to ask. Experts don’t guess.
Women aren’t men. You can’t just hammer away at the clit the way you might go at your own dick.
She takes longer to warm up and longer to come. So settle in, get comfortable, have fun, go slow — and don’t stop until she asks you to.
Often the orgasm is right around the corner, and if you don’t rush it, you’ve got a much better shot at getting her there. And when she says “don’t stop” — do not stop. Don’t change a thing. If your tongue gets sore and your neck cramps up, suck it up and keep going.
Don’t stop until she physically pulls your face off, or says “you can stop now,” or “I’d like you to fuck me now.” Until one of those happens, you’re not going anywhere.
I’ve learned a lot about pleasing women over the years — especially with my hands and mouth. But the tool I fall back on every time is my words, plus the willingness to listen to what she wants.
The best way to eat pussy is slowly, with no agenda other than her pleasure. If she’s able to come this way (not everyone can) and your skills are on point, you’ll make her day — maybe her week, depending on how many useless pussy-eaters came before you.
And now I’d love to hear from you. What tips can you share with us, either from the giving or the receiving end?
