You Left the Date With Twelve Facts and Nothing Real

You left the date knowing where they grew up, what they do for work, and the three countries they’ve been to.

But you’re no closer to discovering if they’re your person.

What’s frustrating is it’s not like you’re not prepared. You went in with all the key questions to ask. They answered each one. You packed in lots of topics, so you have the illusion of the full picture of who they are.

It feels productive because the conversation covers a lot of ground. While you may have collected a bunch of facts, you’ve gained very little insight.

This may be one of the most common first date failures I hear about in my coaching, though it’s almost always described as a great first date. People will describe a great first date with non-stop conversation, or pridefully describe how “they learned so much.”

Too often, what they’re describing is counterfeit closeness, where you can learn a lot of fun tidbits, interesting anecdotes, and even some fun stories. You have a lot of fun, but you don’t learn anything that helps build emotional connection or assess compatibility.

These dates are tricky because right after, it feels like a success. Only later do you realize that you still couldn’t say what they’re actually like.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, “What’s the harm? You’re supposed to have fun.” True…to a degree. In truth, you shouldn’t optimize for having the best possible date. Instead, focus on doing your best to determine whether this person has long-term potential for the fulfilling committed relationship you want. You don’t want to casually date forever (or even at all).

The better approach requires something that’s actually much easier.

One of the best pieces of advice for a first date is to focus on being interested, rather than trying to be interesting. That is, instead of trying to be impressive, be curious. It relieves a lot of the pressure the impression management creates. However, people often hear that advice and start firing off question after question, jumping from topic to topic. It can all feel quite chaotic.

To really learn about someone and potentially build real closeness, you should ask a specific type of question.

When the other person shares, stick with it. Instead of asking the next factual question on a new topic, stay curious and ask a follow-up. Ask things like, “What happened next?” “What surprised you about that?” “Wait, what were you thinking in that moment?”

Keep the thread alive. Show them that you care about what they’re saying. You may not cover as many different topics, but you’ll learn a whole lot more.

I call these curiosity cues, or small signals that show you want to know more about the other person or what they’re sharing. A curiosity cue can be a short follow-up question, or it can be a single sincere “Really?” They show that you’re intrigued. They leave the door open for the other person to expand on what they’re describing.

You win in several ways. First, your partner will appreciate your curiosity and listening (so few people truly listen). They’ll know you’re interested in what they’re saying so you’ll get deeper, more insightful, information. Because you’re asking open-ended questions, you’ll also learn more about how they think and what they value.

Closeness grows when you share something real and then feel the other person take it in and respond (Laurenceau et al., 1998). My graduate advisor, Art Aron, ran the study everyone now calls “The 36 Questions.” Strangers who worked through questions built for depth walked away feeling closer than the pairs who stayed on topic-skipping small talk (Aron et al., 1997). A separate team recorded live conversations between strangers and found that the people who asked more questions, particularly follow-ups, were better liked by the person across from them (Huang et al., 2017).

So often we head into dates wanting to make a good impression, but mistakenly believe we need to dazzle the other person with facts about ourselves. This research shows that responsiveness is much more important. Partners read curiosity cues as proof that you care about them and are there for them.

Your date confides in you that they lost their job last year with nothing lined up, struggled for a bit, but eventually landed in their current position which they love.

The instinct here, the conversational move that most people make, is to share your own version. You had a rough stretch too, you threatened to quit, things were really bad, but you ended up with a promotion. It feels like vulnerability, like it should create connection. You’re reciprocating their emotional sharing, finding common ground, showing you understand, proving you’re able to talk on this level.

What you’ve actually done is take the conversation away from them.

They lost the chance to tell you what it felt like to have no plan, to share if they were terrified or relieved. What did they learn about themselves, how did they make their finances work? Did their parents help them? You could have learned more about their emotional intelligence, how they handle money, and their relationship with their parents. But that moment is gone now, because you answered a story with another story instead of asking a question.

That example is the most benign and well-intentioned version of trading resumes. The more common version is much worse.

That’s when your partner shares some of their accomplishments at work, in school, in life, proud moments with their kids, their hobbies etc. They rundown their greatest hits, and you respond with your own highlight reel. You want to show them you measure up, you’re interesting too. After all, you don’t want to miss your chance to make sure they know how awesome you are.

Everyone does this. The impulse to prove you’re interesting feels like the natural and right thing to do, especially when you’re nervous. (So don’t worry if you’re feeling a little called out here)

The problem is that the exchange is now competitive. Two people trading credentials, waiting for their turn to impress again. Relationships run on collaboration, and a first date is the first place that shows up or doesn’t. You’ll have plenty of chances to dazzle them later. Besides, everyone is much more impressed when they find out about your highlights incidentally, instead of hearing it from your personal guided tour through your amazing moments. You get one shot at showing you can stay with what someone just handed you.

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Every conversation has two layers operating at the same time. One is informational: You’re trading facts, figuring out who this person is on paper, where they’re from, and what they do for work. The other is relational: You’re building something between you, or failing to find connection (Yeomans et al., 2022).

“Where did you grow up?” gathers information. You could stop there and then over-analyze their response later when you’re home to determine what their response means about them as a person. An infinitely better strategy is to, in the moment, drop in a curiosity cue like “What was that like for you?” Now you’re on the relational track, because you’re asking for meaning and feeling instead of a location. Feelings over facts.

Too many daters fall in love with the puzzle of collecting and interpreting facts, when really they’d be much better off focusing on the relational track. It’s helpful to have a few cues ready.

The right cue depends on what they just handed you. Match your conversation prompt to the type of information they just shared.

Don’t try to memorize a bunch of questions. You’ll spend the whole date trying to recite your rehearsed lines instead of listening, which is the exact opposite of the point. Listen for the little nuggets in what they say, and follow-up on one.

• Them: “I went to Italy last year and completely fell in love with Florence.”

• Them: “Honestly, just wandering around at night.”

• Them: “It was so peaceful.”

Your curiosity cues create the space to learn a bit about their values, how they think, and gives them a chance to share something deeper (instead of just getting facts about their trip). Also notice how you’re not “resume sharing” by talking about your own trip to Milan, Rome, and Santorini. You just followed the interesting part of what they already said.

The smallest cues do a lot of the work. “Really?” “No way.” “How come?” “Oooo, tell me more.” On a good date, those beat the elaborate questions almost every time, because they keep you out of the way and keep the other person going.

You’re not doing this to impress anyone or be a better date. You’re doing it because you deserve to actually know who you’re sitting across from.

Hope this helps,

Dr. L

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References

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003

Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097

Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1238

Yeomans, M., Schweitzer, M. E., & Brooks, A. W. (2022). The Conversational Circumplex: Identifying, prioritizing, and pursuing informational and relational motives in conversation. Current Opinion in Psychology, 44, 293–302. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2021.10.001

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Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.