Love can be challenging.
Here’s what I didn’t know how to say until now…
The problem wasn’t your effort. The problem wasn’t how much you cared. The problem wasn’t whether you knew relationships were important.
You can want to do everything right and still keep getting it wrong.
Because if you’re working with the wrong information, trying harder just means running faster in the wrong direction. Keep running long enough, and the failure starts to feel personal.
The worry becomes: Maybe it’s you.
That’s the part that bothers me most. It’s not you.
Dating and relationships are hard. For everyone.
The difference between people who figure it out and people who stay stuck almost never comes down to effort or intention.
It comes down to information.
One year ago, this newsletter started with one subscriber (me).
I always tell my students I have an evil plan: To help them learn as much about relationships as possible in 3 months. Obviously that’s not evil (though they sometimes think the exams are).
With the Psychology of Relationships Substack, there wasn’t an evil plan. I just wanted to write about topics I thought people needed to hear.
To do that, in the last year I’ve posted every Thursday at 8am, including 4 full series consisting of 52 articles and over 105,000 words.
I knew two things from 25+ years of research and 4+ years of working with clients:
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Relationships are hard and too important to be left to guesswork.
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Most people have never been taught the information to make it easier.
I also had a stubborn belief that the science, the real science, not the Instagram carousel version, could genuinely change how people live and love. So every week, I started translating what the science really says, clearly, honestly, and in a way people could actually use (and perhaps with a few typos).
What I didn’t expect, was that a year later, over 38,000 of you would be here. It’s easily my largest class ever.
But that’s not the number that matters most.
What matters are the results. It’s why I’m here.
Over the past year, I’ve heard from readers who:
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finally stopped overthinking a relationship that was actually good, and started enjoying it
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had one honest conversation that changed everything
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realized they needed to leave, and did
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broke patterns they thought were just “who they are”
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found the kind of relationship they used to assume wasn’t realistic for them
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built real confidence in themselves (perhaps for the first time)
That’s the real metric. It’s not about how many people subscribe, it’s what changes once they do.
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One reader wrote: “I’ve been in therapy for three years and your article on the Proximity Paradox explained something my therapist and I hadn’t been able to name.”
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Another: “I used your breakup script. It was the kindest, cleanest conversation I’ve ever had ending something.”
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And my personal favorite, from someone who read “We Attract What We Haven’t Healed”: “I think I’ve been dating my own unresolved issues this whole time. Thank you for helping me see that. I’m going to go do something about it.”
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But perhaps the most common piece of feedback I get is how readers wished they knew all of this a lot sooner. “Where were you when I was in high school?” Honestly, probably in the library. : )
What does a year of relationship psychology do to how you think?
Over the past year, this newsletter took you somewhere specific, even if you didn’t notice.
First, you got the map. The foundational science most people never received: how attraction works, what attachment actually means, why communication breaks down. The stuff that should have been taught in school but wasn’t. Next, I cleared up common myths. Because a map is useless if you’re navigating by wrong beliefs, about gender, chemistry, sacrifice, conflict. Then came the tools. Not more theory, actual answers. What do I say? How do I read this person? Can I trust my gut?
Understand. Unlearn. Apply.
And then the fourth series arrived at the question nobody wants to face: What’s still in the way when you’ve already done everything right? That’s the mirror.
That was Year 1.
Substack made me realize something. A lot of relationship advice, including some of mine, treats love like a problem to solve.
All useful. All necessary. But it also feels a bit pessimistic.
In my experience the clients who make the most progress switch from vigilance to mastery.
Vigilance is an overcorrection. It encourages you to look for problems, identify the red flags, and scare yourself into staying single and/or lonely.
Here’s the weird part, it shows up most in the exact people you’d expect it to: the self-aware ones. The ones who’ve done the work. The ones who really don’t want to mess this up again. Because you’re smart and insightful, you’re really good (like really good) at being vigilant.
But, when you watch for issues so closely you start creating them. That puts pressure on you to say the right thing, to make all the right moves, and to not repeat the past.
Ironically, that pressure manifests the very disconnection you’re trying to avoid. It’s the what I call the “Overcorrection Trap.”
The thing about relationships is that you can’t overanalyze them. It’s paralyzing.
You need a better way. Instead of looking for what’s going wrong, you focus on mastering what you have the most control over: you.
That’s what the next year is all about.
If you’re new, this will get you caught up quickly. If you’ve been here a while, these are your essential reads to review.
In either case, if you (re)read nothing else, start here.
Not because they’re the most popular. But because they change how you think about relationships in a way that has the most impact.
Every other piece lives in the archive, organized by series. If you want the full year, it’s all there.
I’m not going to overpromise specifics, because I like to stay adaptable and also don’t like to break promises. But here’s the general direction I’m feeling pulled toward.
More listening, less lecturing. I want to bring incorporate more real-life examples, the messy, unresolved, doesn’t-fit-neatly-into-a-framework experiences that clients have shared. I want the psychology to feel lived-in rather than taught. And I want to get more practical: not just why the pattern exists, but what you actually say on a Saturday night when it’s happening in real time.
I’m also thinking more about collaborations and ways to bring the community to life. What that means exactly, I’m still figuring out.
More on all of this soon.
If you’ve been reading for months as a free subscriber and keep meaning to upgrade, I have a thought about what might be happening.
There’s a pattern of knowing something would be good for you and not quite doing it, waiting to feel ready, or comfortable, or certain enough. I’ve written about it and helped clients create a “bias toward action.” The idea is this: if you already know something is good for you, more deliberation isn’t wisdom, it’s procrastination and avoidance masquerading as caution.
The paid subscription gets you access to the full archive, the upcoming tools, scripts, and strategies. Most importantly, it’s how you tell yourself that it’s your turn, and that your love life is worth investing in. Not a lot. Less than a therapy co-pay. A month costs less than a cup of coffee.
But the act of choosing to invest in yourself investment matters more than the amount.
If you’ve been on the fence: This is the sign.
Thank you for being here. Genuinely.
Whether you found this back in week one or five minutes ago, I don’t take it lightly that you could read anything and you chose this.
You showed up. So will I.
Hope this helps,
Dr. L
Have a comment? Please share. I read every one.
Know someone who keeps ending up in the same relationship, just with a different face? Forward this to them. You don’t have to say a word, let the article do the heavy lifting.
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Photo by Dana Miller
Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
