How to Actually Fix Your Dating Life (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)

Dating problems come down to one brutally honest truth:

You’re not dating who you want, because you’re not the person they’d be with.

Though that may sting a little. It’s true. (Which means it will be helpful).

Most dating advice focuses on tactics, what to text, where to go, how to act.

That’s great, but it’s backwards.

The person you want is attracted to who you are, not what you do on a first date.

Authenticity is at a premium in modern dating, but it’s also the secret to success.

The way most people date is exhausting. Maybe it is for you as well.

Much of modern life is inherently lonely. That’s why we’re so motivated to someone, anyone to share our life with. That creates a lot of pressure and angst about finding your person. To make it happen you’re constantly on the prowl, swiping, looking, seeking any opportunity for romantic connection.

Then there’s a temptation to contort yourself into the type of person you think a romantic partner wants. That may be in how you look, the opinions you share (or don’t share), the activities you pretend to like, or the facets of yourself you try to conceal.

But it’s also about what you’re looking for in a relationship. So many are pretending they’re ok “keeping it casual” because they don’t want to scare the other person off. All they’re really doing is settling for something that’s relationship-ish, when what they really want is a full-fledged fulfilling relationship. (No wonder dating feels so soul crushing.)

The only (huge) problem is that you lose who you are along the way. It’s fundamentally inauthentic.

Everything you do, has a goal in mind, including your avoidance.

You say you want a relationship, but do you really? Are your behaviors consistent with your stated goal?

If you keep choosing unavailable people, tolerating low effort, situationships, or never approaching anyone, failing to find something real isn’t bad luck or the “dating market.” That’s you. You’re unconsciously pursuing the safety of avoiding rejection or heartbreak over connection.

Similarly, you might have impossibly high standards or refuse to settle for anything less than perfection. That results in conclusions like, “there’s no one worth dating where I live” or “the apps are all full of people who aren’t serious.” That’s on you too. Yes, you’re protecting yourself from potentially unfulfilling relationships, which sounds smart, but you’re also preventing emotional intimacy.

You can also get stuck the other way. You might be a hopeless romantic who falls in love hard and fast. You might be so desperate for connection that you form relationships with who you hope the other person is, rather than who they actually are. These relationships burn bright, but fizzle fast. Then you’re right back to where you started. Stuck…again.

It’s all fear, and it’s keeping you stuck. Fear of getting hurt, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone. Those fears may have protected you in the past, but they’re definitely holding you back now.

Ask yourself honestly:

• How am I complicit in creating the dating problems I say I’d trying to avoid?

• What kind of partner do I keep complaining about, but keep choosing or tolerating?

• What would someone watching my dating behavior conclude I actually want?

• What identity would I have to give up to date differently? (The “I’m too busy,” “I’m bad at relationships,” “nobody good is out there” stories.)

Did you take these questions seriously? You need to. Do one a day, write out your thoughts. Be honest. Be vulnerable.

If you do it right, these four questions will reveal what’s been holding you back. Dating is hard and confusing. Seeing yourself clearly is critical for making progress.

Here’s the reality: You may not be the one who deserves blame. But you need to be the one who takes action.

Yes, adulting is hard. But, there’s good news in that. You’re in control. That’s empowering. Dating and relationships are a skill that you can learn and improve. It’s what this newsletter is all about.

You’re not stuck forever.

There’s a version of you that dates completely differently. Not to find or attract the perfect person, but because of who you actually are.

You’re not out there auditioning. You’re not performing. You’re living. You’re truly confident. You know who you are and you’re comfortable sharing it. Your hobbies, friendships, ambitions existed before any romantic interest showed up and will exist after.

A potential partner senses that immediately. They see a bit of themselves in how you act, because they’re the same way. You’re not hiding, so they can be fully transparent too. Like you, they know exactly what they want and they share it unapologetically. Not on the first date, not as a test, but as a simple fact about themselves they’ve made peace with.

They’re real, so they find your authenticity attractive. (Feels different, doesn’t it?)

Most importantly: they’ve done enough of their own work that they’re not looking for someone to complete them. They’re looking for someone to add to something already good. (Good news, because it means you don’t need to make them your project.)

(I regularly share that idea with clients. It’s worth remembering.)

When you’re secure yourself, that distinction has real value. It’s a shift that changes everything about who you are, who you attract, and who you choose.

Recognizing that version of yourself is one thing. Becoming it is another. That gap is where most people stay stuck. Here’s what’s going on.

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Knowing what’s broken is not the same as having the drive to fix it.

Making the changes you need requires understanding what actually motivates behavior change.

What are you running from and trying to avoid? What are you running toward or seeking? The answers lie in your motivation. However, all relationship fuel isn’t the same.

Take it from rats and one of my favorite studies. Researcher Jan Panksepp (1998) wanted to determine how hard a rat would pull for cheese by hooking a spring to its tail. Turns out, pretty hard. Rats like their cheese.

But it wasn’t clear if the rat was doing its absolute best and giving maximal spring-stretching effort. Thinking about what truly motivates a rat, the researcher decided to give the rat another chance, this time placing a cat’s scent behind the rat. Now, scared about a potential cat encounter, the rat pulled 4-5 times harder. The fear of a negative outcome (being a cat’s lunch) was a more powerful motivator than simply getting the cheese.

Ultimately, the rat pulled hardest of all when the researcher combined the reward of the cheese with the fear of the cat. Two motivators were better than one.

There’s a lesson in here for relationships, I promise. When dating, it helps to be very specific about the positive outcomes you seek (e.g., a partner to share an amazing life with). But you should also pay close attention to the pain you desperately want to avoid (e.g., dying alone without a true life companion).

Knowing both, what you’re running toward and from, gets you there faster.

First, let’s focus on fear.

Picture yourself in 5 years with the same dating patterns. Same loneliness, same excuses, same near-misses. What have you missed out on?

How does that feel? I suspect you’d feel a lot of regret over missed opportunities, or perhaps the life you wanted but didn’t get to lead. There may also be a sense of shame or embarrassment, almost like you failed one of life’s main tests.

Here’s one thing I know for sure, all of those feelings suck. I’m not trying to be mean, but I do want you to really think about all of this.

Realizing what you don’t want, and letting that scare you a little, can be fantastic motivation to end up where you really want to be.

Sit with that discomfort, it’s fuel.

Now, picture yourself in 5 years after breaking your patterns, dating differently, and ultimately finding your person.

In that world, what is your day-to-day life like? What does a sense of fulfillment, contentment, and peace really feel like? Imagine feeling seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who you are. How do you feel about yourself?

That’s the feeling you really want. Use that as fuel too.

Start now. You can build those feelings into your daily life starting today. You don’t need a relationship partner first.

That’s the trick. When you are someone who already has a fulfilling life, you’re more likely to attract a partner who makes it even more fulfilling.

Don’t just say what you want.

Do something about it.

What is one incredibly small thing you can do today that aligns with your vision? Notice how you feel doing it. Now, do something a little bigger. Rinse and repeat.

Use each micro dose of progress as motivation to stack more behaviors. Little by little. There’s a momentum to this.

Not feeling it? Do it anyway.

Yes, you can absolutely “fake it till you make it.” There’s a funny thing about “faking it.” Although the specific behavior may not have been your first impulse, as soon as you start doing it, it becomes real. You’re the one doing the behavior. There’s nothing fake about it.

The psychology on this is clear, if you make behavior changes first, the thoughts will follow (Bem, 1972).

Want to be more social and outgoing? Mimic what your most chatty and social friend does. When it comes to dating, how should you act? Imagine someone who is secure, confident, and fulfilled. How do they date? What specific things do they do? What do they NOT do? Now, you do the same.

Finally, don’t settle for vague goals. Make a plan. Research backs this up. In a 16-week study, people who wanted to change actually did (Hudson & Roberts, 2014). But the ones who made the most progress weren’t the ones with the strongest desire. Saying “I want to be more sociable,” is simply a wish

The more successful participants were the ones who had more specific plans, focusing on behaviors like “I will start a conversation with a stranger,” “I’ll say ‘Hi’ to 10 people today,” or “I will smile more.” Everyone wants to change. That’s easy. Knowing exactly what you’re going to do differently is what actually leads to meaningful change.

Then let compounding interest work for you. Change will be slow at first, but powerful with patience.

There’s a simple solution:

Stop trying so hard to attract the right person. Become someone who naturally lives in a way that makes the right relationship inevitable.

You know how people always say they found their partner when they weren’t looking? This is how that happens.

Someone out there is living a full life, knows who they are, and isn’t out there desperately searching. Not auditioning, not hiding, not settling for relationship-ish.

They’re looking for someone exactly like that.

Right now, are you that person?

If not, that’s your priority.

Not because you’re broken. But because you deserve a relationship that’s actually real, and so does the person you haven’t met yet.

Hope this helps,

Dr. L

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References

Bem, D. J. (1972). Self-perception theory. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 6, pp. 1–62). Academic Press.

Hudson, N. W., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Volitional personality trait change: Can people choose to change their personality traits?. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3), 490-507.

Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions. Oxford University Press.

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Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.