As a psychologist, I\u2019ve seen firsthand how most mentally & emotionally out-of-whack people struggle with their emotions much more than they need to:<\/p>\n
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- They get overwhelmed by spirals of worry and anxiety<\/li>\n
- They lash out in fits of anger or defensiveness<\/li>\n
- They procrastinate on their goals because of apathy, guilt, or fear<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
But difficult emotions like anxiety or anger or shame \u2014 they\u2019re not the real problem. Emotions are a normal and healthy part of the human experience.\u00a0<\/p>\n
They might be uncomfortable or painful sometimes. But that doesn\u2019t make them bad or dangerous. Just because an emotion\u00a0feels\u00a0bad doesn\u2019t mean it\u00a0is\u00a0bad. <\/em>Exercise feels bad. Studying for an exam feels bad. Having a difficult conversation feels bad. But these are all good things.<\/p>\n
But when you fall into the trap of thinking that painful emotions are bad or dangerous, you tend to treat them like enemies to be avoided or eliminated. Unfortunately, this fight-or-flight reaction to painful emotions trains your brain to see them as threats, which makes them increasingly painful and frequent over time.<\/p>\n
If you want to experience calmer moods and less painful emotions, you\u2019ve got to recognize the many ways in which \u2014 consciously or not \u2014 you treat your emotions like enemies, and then start treating them like friends instead.<\/p>\n
Mentally and emotionally out-of-whack people usually do these things casually:<\/h2>\n
1. They talk to themselves judgmentally<\/h3>\n
![\"mentally](\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/sites\/default\/files\/image_blog\/2026-07\/mentally-struggling-woman-talking-judgmentally.png\" "\\"People")
<\/span> VH-studio \/ Shutterstock<\/span><\/p>\nIronically, so many of us are compassionate, understanding, and gentle when faced with other people\u2019s difficulties and emotional struggles. But when faced with our own painful emotions, we\u2019re just the opposite \u2014 we tend to be judgmental, intolerant, and harsh with ourselves when we\u2019re struggling:<\/p>\n
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- When we\u2019re anxious or afraid, we tell ourselves to \u2018pull it together\u2019<\/em>\u00a0or remind ourselves that \u2018You\u2019re always crying and worrying over the smallest things\u2026 why can\u2019t you just be normal?\u2019<\/em><\/li>\n
- When we\u2019re sad and depressed, we reprimand ourselves: \u2018Do you know how many other people have it way worse than we do? Show a little gratitude!\u2019<\/em><\/li>\n
- When we\u2019re feeling ashamed and defeated, we pile on the hurt with an inner voice that says things like \u2018Of course this would happen to me\u2026 I\u2019ll always be a screw-up. I should just accept it.\u2019<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
In other words, we\u2019re pretty mean to ourselves at precisely the moments when we should be kind. This meanness mostly comes in the form of overly harsh and negative self-talk.<\/p>\n
Self-talk is the running commentary and narrative that we all have going through our minds nearly all the time. For some of us, though, this voice in our heads is a judgmental tyrant, constantly putting us down, criticizing, worrying, ruminating, and generally making us feel like garbage.<\/p>\n
We take it for granted that this voice is always playing in our heads, and we assume that the nature of this voice is simply who we are. Not true. Your self-talk is largely a learned habit, generally picked up from parents or caregivers early in life and then reinforced via friends and ourselves as we get older. But the truth is: How we talk to ourselves is a habit \u2014 nothing more, nothing less.<\/em><\/p>\n
The thing is, if you\u2019re in the habit of talking to yourself in a harsh, judgmental way \u2014 especially during times of emotional pain \u2014 you\u2019re going to be fueling the flames and increasing your suffering. As decades of psychological research have confirmed, how we feel emotionally is mediated by how we think and interpret the world around us.<\/p>\n
In other words, how we habitually think (and talk) determines how we habitually feel. An obvious sign that your relationship with your emotions needs work is if your inner narrator is a jerk. If your self-talk is condescending, intolerant, and judgmental of your feelings, what kind of a relationship can you expect from those feelings?<\/p>\n
The key is to realize that no matter what kind of habits of self-talk you\u2019ve built up over the years, with practice, they\u2019re changeable. You can learn to be more compassionate and gentle in the way you talk to yourself, and especially, the way you talk to yourself about the way you feel. When we\u2019re upset, we need our inner voice to be a friend, not a bully.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.\u201d \u2014 Joseph Campbell<\/em><\/p>\n
RELATED: Immature People Can’t Handle 11 Basic Life Skills Everyone Else Masters With Their Eyes Closed<\/strong><\/p>\n
2. Mentally out-of-whack people constantly seek reassurance<\/h3>\n
Another hallmark of an unhealthy relationship with your emotions is that you lack confidence in your ability to manage difficult emotions on your own. As a result, it\u2019s easy to get in the habit of seeking reassurance and comfort from others:<\/p>\n
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- You\u2019re worried about that weird pain in your side (could it be cancer?) and so you instantly call your mother to see if she thinks you should call the doctor. Mom assures you it\u2019s probably just a cramp and nothing to worry about.<\/li>\n
- You feel guilty that you decided not to participate in the extended family Christmas celebration this year, so you ask your wife one more time whether she thinks it was a good idea.<\/li>\n
- Your partner still seems a little upset, so you ask him for a third time if he\u2019s sure there\u2019s nothing wrong.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Here\u2019s the thing: While reassurance feels good temporarily \u2014 because it alleviates some painful emotions like anxiety or guilt \u2014 it easily slips into a vicious cycle of ever lower and lower confidence in one\u2019s ability to tolerate and manage difficult feelings and uncertainties. Like most dependencies, reassurance-seeking is a trade-off of our long-term happiness and health for short-term comfort and ease.<\/p>\n
The solution is to learn through your own hard-earned experience that you can tolerate and manage difficult emotions on your own and live to tell the tale. In other words, the solution is to build confidence.<\/p>\n
And like any skill-building endeavor, best to start small and work your way up:<\/p>\n
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- Instead of instantly calling your son to see if he made it home after his flight, wait 15 minutes and prove to yourself that you can live with your anxiety instead of instantly alleviating it with reassurance.<\/li>\n
- Rather than peppering your partner with questions about how they feel (to alleviate\u00a0your<\/em>\u00a0anxiety), give them some space, trusting that they will come to you if that\u2019s what they want or need.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
You wouldn\u2019t learn how to do long division if your teacher gave you the answer every time you got stuck. And you wouldn\u2019t learn how to tie your shoes if your parents always bought you Velcro sneakers or tied your shoes for you.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Gaining confidence in your ability to manage your own difficult emotions is no different: It\u2019s a skill you must build yourself. <\/em>It will be hard, and it will take time, but in the end, it will be worth it.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou cannot swim for new horizons until you dare to lose sight of the shore.\u201d \u2014 William Faulkner<\/em><\/p>\n
3. People like this procrastinate<\/h3>\n
![\"emotionally](\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/sites\/default\/files\/image_blog\/2026-07\/emotionally-struggling-man-procrastinating.png\" "\\"People")
<\/span> F01 PHOTO \/ Shutterstock<\/span><\/p>\nProcrastination is a complex issue with all sorts of causes and consequences. And it\u2019s something we all do from time to time. But if you find yourself consistently procrastinating in many areas of your life, it could be a sign that the way you handle your emotions is not working too well for you.<\/p>\n
Procrastination \u2014 putting something off until later despite knowing it will cost us more in the long term \u2014 is a form of instant gratification. But not in the pleasurable sense of eating a candy bar or impulse buying those new shoes. Both of those are\u00a0appetitive<\/em>\u00a0\u2014 things we do because they add a positive feeling.<\/p>\n
Procrastination is\u00a0palliative<\/em>. It feels \u201cgood\u201d because it removes something painful or unpleasant. When we put something we should do now off until later, it relieves us of the unpleasant emotions we experience anticipating a task or doing it.<\/p>\n
But if you\u2019re in the habit of putting things off to escape some unpleasant emotion (fear of disappointment is a common one), it could indicate that you\u2019re not very good at managing difficult emotions and doing what needs to be done anyway.<\/p>\n
Often this comes from a faulty underlying belief about the relationships between how we feel and what we\u2019re capable of doing. See, a lot of us believe that we need to feel good or motivated or confident to do something difficult. But this is backward: Motivation and confidence are feelings that result from doing worthwhile things. They\u2019re an effect, not a prerequisite.<\/p>\n
But ultimately, it all boils down to your relationship with emotions \u2014 do you see unpleasant feelings like anxiety or shame as immovable obstacles that prevent you from doing what you want? Or do you see them as normal phenomena that \u2014 while unpleasant \u2014 don\u2019t have much bearing on what you do either way?<\/p>\n
In other words, the healthier view is to learn through experience that it\u2019s perfectly possible to do difficult things while feeling anxious or embarrassed or angry or whatever. Feeling good is nice, but it\u2019s not a requirement for taking action. You don\u2019t need to eliminate painful emotions to live your life. It\u2019s only through living your life alongside all your emotions that you learn to manage them effectively.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t need more discipline, you just need a better reason to be disciplined.\u201d \u2014 Jack Butcher<\/em><\/p>\n
- When we\u2019re sad and depressed, we reprimand ourselves: \u2018Do you know how many other people have it way worse than we do? Show a little gratitude!\u2019<\/em><\/li>\n
- When we\u2019re anxious or afraid, we tell ourselves to \u2018pull it together\u2019<\/em>\u00a0or remind ourselves that \u2018You\u2019re always crying and worrying over the smallest things\u2026 why can\u2019t you just be normal?\u2019<\/em><\/li>\n