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Learning how to communicate effectively is a major factor in any happy, healthy relationship. What you don’t realize is that there are casual phrases that people in toxic love with each other use that drive a wedge between them. These types of toxic phrases & communication make it difficult to build closeness and connection, which you need to have trust and love.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Closeness \u2014 the antidote to loneliness \u2014 is very much within your control. One of the first things I encourage my clients to do to create more closeness in their relationships is to adjust their language and the phrases they say to each other in small but powerful ways.<\/p>\n
People who have a toxic love often say these phrases casually:<\/h2>\n1. ‘Why did you…?’<\/h3>\n
It’s just one single word but can be so powerfully destructive. \u201cWhy\u201d isn\u2019t the best way to pose a question to someone you want closeness with because it can unintentionally create defensiveness. \u201cWhy\u201d is the language of accusation: \u201cWhy did you do that?\u201d \u201cWhy do you feel that way?\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite your innocent intentions, that single word primes another person to think of reasons to defend himself or herself. To feel the subversive power of \u201cwhy,\u201d the next time you sit down to a nice dinner or to watch a movie, ask yourself, \u201cWhy am I doing this?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Feel the anxiety it provokes? That\u2019s the same anxiety most \u201cwhy\u201d questions provoke in others \u2014 and it\u2019s an experience that will not bring you closer to someone. Rephrase your \u201cwhy\u201d questions as \u201cwhat\u201d or \u201chow\u201d questions. \u201cWhy am I doing this?\u201d becomes \u201cWhat am I getting out of this?\u201d Feel the difference? The first version accuses, while the second just wants to understand.<\/p>\n
RELATED: If These 15 Things Feel Familiar, Psychology Says Your Relationship Might Be More Emotionally Destructive Than You Realize<\/strong><\/p>\n2. ‘You need to\u2026’<\/h3>\n
\u201cYou\u201d is a tricky word in the closeness vocabulary. It can certainly bring people together (\u201cYou are so sweet\u201d), but when it slides into telling your partner what he or she needs to do differently, it can cause division. The key phrases to pay attention to are the ones that begin with \u201cYou need to\u2026\u201d “…be more assertive,” or “…be more organized.\u201d\u00a0These have the potential to hinder closeness because they imply that your partner should change in some specific way, based on your opinions.<\/p>\n
When creating closeness, it\u2019s best not to present your opinions as mandates. \u201cYou need to\u201d creates a mandate that will drive a wedge between people. Try focusing on your own experience of the situation. For example, \u201cYou need to be more assertive\u201d might become, \u201cI would like us to make more decisions together.\u201d \u201cYou need to be more organized\u201d might become, \u201cI wonder if we can work on straightening out the closets.\u201d Sharing your perspective on the situation fosters closeness and prevents gaps from forming.<\/p>\n
3. ‘I\u2019m sorry if\u2026’<\/h3>\n
![\"arguing](\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/sites\/default\/files\/image_blog\/2026-07\/arguing-toxic-couple-division.png\" "\\"People")
<\/span> DimaBerlin \/ Shutterstock<\/span><\/p>\nAlmost everyone finds it hard to admit when they\u2019ve done something wrong. However, since we all make mistakes in our lives, apologizing is essential to maintaining closeness over a long period. One of the biggest mistakes people make is starting an apology with, \u201cI\u2019m sorry if\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” “I\u2019m sorry if you felt that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
These are not apologies that create closeness because closeness comes from taking at least some responsibility when you\u2019ve done something wrong. Using \u201cif\u201d in your apology allows you to dodge responsibility by putting it back on the other person. \u201cI\u2019m sorry if you felt that way.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
See that big \u201cyou\u201d there? Apologizing well is about being committed to taking some responsibility. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2026\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m sorry for\u2026\u201d work infinitely better than \u201cI\u2019m sorry if\u2026\u201d A simple \u201cI\u2019m sorry I hurt your feelings\u201d is the type of apology that brings people closer together.<\/p>\n
RELATED: Women Who Escape Toxic Relationships Do These 12 Things To Stay Out Of Them Forever<\/strong><\/p>\n4. ‘Why don\u2019t you just\u2026’<\/h3>\n
You know this phrase is trouble because it starts with a \u201cwhy\u201d \u2014 but it gets its spot because this and its other versions shut down the conversation when your partner needs it most \u2014 when he or she is struggling: \u201cYou could just \u2026\u201d \u201cYou should just \u2026\u201d Giving your partner advice or offering up solutions to problems is great when he or she asks for it. But when he or she simply wants to tell you about one of their struggles, inserting a \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just \u2026\u201d implies the struggle is not valid.<\/p>\n
From your point of view, it seems that they could easily solve it if they just do what you suggest. Although it may not have been your intention, this creates distance because you just invalidated their experience. When your partner is struggling with something, your main task is to stay present and engaged. That stance in its very simplicity creates the most closeness. And when he or she is ready to do something differently, then offer to help brainstorm solutions. Collaboration is advice, closeness-style.<\/p>\n
5. ‘Not right now’<\/h3>\n
Most of us lead busy lives, and it\u2019s not always possible to drop what you\u2019re doing and listen to your husband\u2019s work story or take your mother\u2019s call. Nevertheless, being engaged with those you want to stay close to consistently is extremely important, and the phrase \u201cnot right now\u201d without any follow-up fosters a feeling of rejection.\u00a0<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re engrossed in something at the moment your partner wants to engage, try replacing \u201cnot right now\u201d with a request for a specific amount of time. \u201cI just need 20 minutes on this, and then I\u2019d love to listen,\u201d elicits a different feeling from \u201cnot right now.\u201d Use these simple tips to start building closeness in your relationships now. It may take a while for your new language habits to take hold, but when they do, you may see improvements in all of your relationships.<\/p>\n
RELATED: 15 Signs You’re Stuck In A Toxic Relationship That Feels ‘Fine’, According To Experts<\/strong><\/p>\nKira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and author of\u00a0<\/em>Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\nRelated Stories From YourTango:<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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