Who you attract (and tolerate) is a reflection of who you are and your readiness for a healthy relationship.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\nWhen you\u2019re lonely, it\u2019s easy to feel hopeless and worry that you\u2019re never going to find someone.<\/p>\n
Being single feels like cosmic rejection and the ultimate failure of adulthood.<\/p>\n
This sets a trap.<\/p>\n
You convince yourself that a new relationship will be the solution. It\u2019s the most obvious solution.<\/p>\n
Careful though\u2026<\/p>\n
Wanting a relationship, and feeling like you <\/span>need <\/em>a relationship lead to vastly different outcomes. When you choose before you\u2019re ready, you end up in the wrong relationship. Ironically, research shows you can be lonely inside a relationship too (Hsieh & Hawkley, 2018). That\u2019s even worse than being alone.<\/span><\/p>\nThe person who becomes your relationship partner isn\u2019t random. <\/p>\n
You determine who you attract.<\/p>\n
Amazing people attract amazing partners. <\/p>\n
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t outsource your own fulfillment.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not your partner\u2019s job to fix or complete you. That\u2019s your responsibility. (It\u2019s also not your job to fix them).<\/p>\n
Too often while dating, people will rely on their romantic partner to entertain and occupy them. That works, to a degree, but doesn\u2019t address the real source of the problem. Why do you feel lonely?<\/p>\n
Loneliness is about disconnection, but also about feelings of inadequacy (Fardghassemi & Joffe, 2022). When you feel like something in your life is missing or don\u2019t like who you are, a partner seems like the solution to both.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s a lot of pressure to put on someone. It\u2019s actually fundamentally unfair. Your partner should be part of your world, not your entire world.<\/p>\n
\n
\u201cYou complete me\u201d sounds romantic, but it\u2019s actually problematic.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Honestly, \u201cYou complete me\u201d is complete garbage. Love isn\u2019t about solving your problems. A relationship can\u2019t fix your life.<\/span> (The best relationships are between two individuals who each have full, complete, amazing lives that they share with each other.)<\/em><\/p>\nYou\u2019re not meant to be someone else\u2019s project.<\/p>\n
When you feel incomplete by yourself, like part of you is missing, you naturally want to fill the void.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t blame you. Sometimes we just don\u2019t want to be single. Our desire for companionship as humans is so strong that getting into a (really any) relationship feels like the right move.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not a personal failure, it\u2019s an adaptation that serves a purpose.<\/p>\n
However, that doesn\u2019t mean a new relationship is what\u2019s best.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re broken, incomplete, or unwell, you\u2019re going to attract the wrong type of partner.<\/p>\n
Think about it\u2026what kind of person finds unhealed partners appealing? Sadly, it\u2019s exactly the partner no one should want.<\/p>\n
Optimistically, if you are incomplete you might attract someone who is a \u201cfixer\u201d or someone who wants to make you better. Though it\u2019s an honorable goal, it\u2019s one that\u2019s hard to achieve for a few reasons:<\/p>\n
\n- \n
First, helping people through issues is really hard work. Your partner probably isn\u2019t qualified.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
Second, it\u2019s hard enough to be a good relationship without having to be a therapist as well. Those are different roles that require different strengths. Trying to do it all, often leads to doing none of it well. (Not to mention it\u2019s tiring, like really really exhausting)<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Now here\u2019s the worst case scenario. The dating world has some bad actors\u2026.people who are downright interpersonally parasitic. They may not even realize they\u2019re doing it, but there are plenty of daters out there who naturally gravitate toward (or purposefully select) partners who are lost, broken, damaged, or needy.<\/p>\n
The reason? Unhealed partners are easy to dominate, manipulate, and have power over. Imbalanced power encourage one person to have excessive control. It\u2019s one of the most common dynamics in toxic and unhealthy relationships.<\/p>\n
Manipulative partners\u2019 dating logic can be quite dark. A weak and flawed partner will allow them to get away with almost anything they want. Selfishness and cheating\u2026overlooked. In the aftermath, half-hearted apologies and lame excuses get accepted. Why!?!?!?!! The unhealed partner is scared of being alone, of never finding anyone else. That sense of scarcity (e.g., if this person doesn\u2019t love me I won\u2019t have other options) makes the intolerable partner, tolerable.<\/p>\n
We don\u2019t like to think that \u201cbroken attracts broken,\u201d but as one example, research shows narcissists are much more tolerant of fellow narcissists (Burton et al, 2017). Sadly, some people are more likely to attract, then tolerate, broken partners.<\/p>\n
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That\u2019s what paid subscribers get, plus access to the full archive (everything unlocked) of science-backed scripts, exercises, and coaching frameworks from 4+ years of working with real people in real relationships.<\/p>\n
$75\/year. Less than a therapy co-pay. Infinitely more actionable.<\/p>\n
Join for Only $75\/year<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nImportantly, being \u201cbroken\u201d isn\u2019t an either\/or. Rather, it\u2019s a case of less and more, the more broken you are, the more you\u2019ll attract the same.<\/p>\n
Here are signs that you\u2019re more susceptible to attracting brokenness:<\/p>\n
\n- \n
You feel a sense of pressure to be in a relationship. You mistake uneasiness and anxiety for chemistry. You\u2019re a <\/span>dopamine dater.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n- \n
It feels like every potential partner has major flaws. You have few true \u201cdealbreakers\u201d or non-negotiables. You\u2019re willing to accept \u201c<\/span>good enough.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n- \n
Chaos feels comfortable. Drama feels like the default.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You give early signs of attention and affection in a relationship too much credit. You like attention and feeling special.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You determine your feelings towards others based on how they feel about you. You focus on how to get chosen, instead of choosing what\u2019s best for you.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You hold on to any small signs of romance or caring as indicative of who your partner \u201creally is.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You use rare glimpses of positive qualities to excuse prevalent bad behaviors.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
When things go wrong, you convince yourself \u201cthis is how all relationships are.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You operate from a place of \u201cI can make this work\u201d instead of honestly assessing whether you\u2019re authentically compatible.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- \n
You\u2019ve convinced yourself that you like the challenge of a project partner (or perhaps you like the sense of control it provides)<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Those ten behaviors aren\u2019t just bad choices, they\u2019re problematic patterns that you\u2019ve fallen into because you\u2019ve never bothered to address the underlying problem: We attract what we haven\u2019t healed.<\/p>\n
When we attract someone who is broken, the relationship doesn\u2019t stand a chance. You can\u2019t have a healthy relationship if one half of the couple is damaged.<\/p>\n
\nWant more detailed help with solutions?<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\nYou can find all the tools you need in the Partnership Protocol\u2122 toolkits:<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Be a little selfish. Put yourself first. It\u2019s ok.<\/p>\n
This is the ultimate form of self-care.<\/p>\n
Instead of using a relationship to heal (which doesn\u2019t work), heal yourself before you pursue a relationship.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s important to remember that no partner is a good option when you\u2019re not whole yourself. Feeling pressure to find someone is a sign you\u2019re looking outward to fill an inward need.<\/p>\n
\n
\u201cKnowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.\u201d ~ bell hooks<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
You need to be able to stand by yourself, as a fully complete independent person. Create an amazing life for yourself. Once you have, you won\u2019t look for happiness from outside sources like your partner. (And once you stop looking so hard, the right person has a way of finding you.)<\/p>\n
Importantly, being whole won\u2019t prevent toxic partners from entering your orbit. But it will make you a lot better at moving past them, or better yet, ignoring them altogether. One word of caution here. Even after feeling whole, we are often drawn to people who have the issues we previous solved. Think of it as a \u201cshadow magnet.\u201d For example, if you\u2019re now hyper-responsible, hyper-productive, or \u201calways have it together,\u201d you may be magnetically drawn to people who are reckless, \u201cfree-spirited,\u201d or even lazy.<\/p>\n
Even though you\u2019ve done the work to make yourself complete, you still need to be discerning.<\/p>\n
When I say you should be \u201ccomplete,\u201d I\u2019m not saying you have to be perfect. No one is.<\/p>\n
That makes it hard to know when you\u2019re \u201cready.\u201d I don\u2019t want you to wait too long.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to be perfectly ready. There\u2019s no such thing. Besides, let\u2019s call perfectionism what it really is: procrastination.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t wait to be 100% ready. Just be mostly ready. That means not excusing red flags, chasing love, or sabotaging good connections with kind partners. Instead, seek calm and consistency over drama, and treat kindness as a baseline expectation (not a rare trait to be celebrated).<\/p>\n
Then, when you\u2019re dating, remember this basic truth: Everyone deserves a great relationship. Don\u2019t accept anything less.<\/p>\n
\nIf you keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships and want help fixing a broken \u201cpicker,\u201d this article will help: <\/span>You\u2019re Not Unlucky in Love\u2026Your Picker Is Just Broken<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nYou can\u2019t rely on a relationship to fix what\u2019s wrong, fill in what\u2019s missing, or find fulfillment for you. The most loving thing you can do, for yourself and for anyone you\u2019ll ever date, is to stop outsourcing that work. Become the person you\u2019re looking for. Not because it\u2019s a strategy. Because you deserve to meet your amazing equal.<\/p>\n
If this article helped you see a pattern more clearly, a like or restack tells the algorithm to put it in front of someone who needs it. <\/p>\n
Have a comment? Please share. I read every one. <\/p>\n
Leave a comment<\/span><\/p>\nKnow someone who keeps ending up in the same relationship, just with a different face? Forward this to them. You don\u2019t have to say a word, let the article do the heavy lifting.<\/p>\n
Share Psychology of Relationships<\/span><\/p>\nHere are other ways to learn more about the Psychology of Relationships:<\/p>\n
\nReferences<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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