It\u2019s hard to find fulfillment when you\u2019re always focus on what\u2019s falling short<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Yet, we often insist on perfection when we\u2019re looking for our romantic partner.<\/p>\n
\nFor context on why we get this so wrong, <\/em>What If Everything Is Wrong?,<\/span> is also worth reading.<\/em><\/p>\nJoin for Only $75\/year<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nIf you\u2019re anything like my clients, you\u2019re thinking <\/span>\u201cHow can you possibly suggest that I should accept less than what I deserve?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nFair question.<\/p>\n
The answer starts with figuring out what you \u201cdeserve.\u201d<\/p>\n
Reality testing your expectations helps determine if you\u2019re being realistic or asking for too much.<\/p>\n
Yes\u2026you can ask for too much. That\u2019s because there\u2019s an uncomfortable, yet fundamental truth about dating and relationships: You get the relationship you work for.<\/p>\n
Dating and relationships aren\u2019t easy. If you want the very best outcomes, you have to work at it.<\/p>\n
Ask yourself (and answer honestly):<\/p>\n
\n- \n
Are you willing to put in the effort to improve yourself to be the best possible partner you can be?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n- \n
How much energy are you willing to devote to finding your person?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nIf you want the very best partner, make sure you\u2019re willing to devote the time, energy, and effort required to find and attract that person. It\u2019s only fair.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not interested in effort-maxing your pursuit of a partner, then calibrate your expectations accordingly. It\u2019s only fair.<\/p>\n
\n
You should only spend time wanting the <\/em><\/p>\ntype of relationship you\u2019re willing to work for.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nI know that some (many?) of you still aren\u2019t convinced. You still think settling is selling out.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a harsh truth: Refusing to settle is really just commitment phobia with better marketing.<\/p>\n
You really want a relationship, but can\u2019t find anyone good enough? At what point does that become a \u201cyou\u201d problem?<\/p>\n
Is it possible that you\u2019re taking perfectionistic tendencies too far? Don\u2019t get me wrong, perfectionism sounds smart, even elite, in a \u201cI know my worth\u201d sort of way. But, it can also be unrealistic.<\/p>\n
Similarly, refusing to settle feels empowered. However, it may just be an intellectualized version of avoidant tendencies. (Want a quick primer on attachment? <\/span>Click here) You get to want a relationship and engage in many dating-ish behaviors (e.g., perusing the apps, meeting people, doing a little flirting). But you avoid getting hurt because there\u2019s always something that makes a potential partner untenable. There\u2019s always some way in which they fall short. Their imperfections are disqualifications. And your pursuit continues (possibly forever).<\/span><\/p>\nThe perfection-fueled refusal to consider any form of settling also puts a virtuous spin on something that we could reasonably also label as picky, judgy, or even entitled.<\/p>\n
The real problem, of course, is that all of this is a fantastic way to keep yourself single.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why you need to embrace the notion that settling isn\u2019t as bad as you think.<\/p>\n
Settling also isn\u2019t what you think it is.<\/p>\n
\nSmart daters don’t settle, they prioritize. <\/p>\n
Want the tools, frameworks, and step-by-step strategies that make the real difference between understanding something and being able to do something with it?<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what paid subscribers get, plus access to the full archive (everything unlocked) of science-backed scripts, exercises, and coaching frameworks from 4+ years of working with real people in real relationships.<\/p>\n
$75\/year. Less than a therapy co-pay. Infinitely more actionable.<\/p>\n
Join for Only $75\/year<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nEveryone deserves a great relationship.<\/p>\n
I will never waiver on that fact. However, your partner doesn\u2019t have to be perfect to have a great relationship. (Good news\u2026you don\u2019t have to be perfect either).<\/p>\n
I\u2019d bet that every person in an amazing relationship has settled in some way. Granted, they probably don\u2019t think of it that way, or at least don\u2019t call it settling. Instead, they probably say they made some sacrifices or were willing to compromise.<\/p>\n
The solution to settling is being strategically selective.<\/p>\n
One of the biggest traps daters set for themselves is making every desired quality equally important. It\u2019s classic false equivalence. A potential partner\u2019s taste in music isn\u2019t as important as whether they\u2019re kind. What you\u2019re looking for in a partner falls into three different categories. Understanding the differences between them is critical for knowing where you can settle, and where you should never compromise your standards.<\/p>\n
Like the name implies, these are absolute \u201cmust have\u201d qualities based on your core values. DO NOT SETTLE when it comes to your non-negotiables. Ask yourself:<\/p>\n
\n- \n
What positive qualities MUST someone have?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n- \n
What negative qualities will you NOT tolerate? (It\u2019s ok to think of negatives, but it\u2019s always better to rephrase as positives whenever possible. Instead of, \u201cI refuse to date a poor communicator\u201d go with \u201cMy ideal partner is a good listener and clear communicator.\u201d)<\/em><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nImportantly, the non-negotiable list should be relatively short. Every quality on it should be 100% essential for having a long-term fulfilling relationship. Kindness, emotional availability, and respect? Non-negotiable. Tall and handsome? Not in this category.<\/p>\n
A partner who lacks any one of your non-negotiables is instantly undateable. Don\u2019t waste your time. This is where you should justifiably and unapologetically refuse to settle.<\/p>\n
These are more \u201cluxury qualities\u201d that you ideally want to have in a partner. However, the absence of any one isn\u2019t a dealbreaker. This can be a much longer list.<\/p>\n
This is where you place hobbies, interests, and preferences in movies, music, and cuisines. If you like romantic comedies, country music, and Thai cuisine, would your partner ideally like the same? Sure, it would be \u201cnice to have.\u201d But, if they don\u2019t, is that a dealbreaker? Nope\u2026or at least it shouldn\u2019t be. \u201cNice to haves\u201d also include preferences about their appearance. A partner who has all of your non-negotiables, but who isn\u2019t your typical type in terms of their looks, can be an amazing lifelong partner.<\/p>\n
Funny enough, research finds that people often only disqualify potential partners after they discover four \u201cdealbreakers\u201d (Joel & Charlot, 2022). Know what that means? Most people are mixing together their non-negotiables with their \u201cnice to haves.\u201d You can live a long happy life with a partner who doesn\u2019t check all of your \u201cnice to have\u201d boxes. The same isn\u2019t true for your non-negotiables. Know the difference.<\/p>\n
Every partner on the planet is annoying in some way. You\u2019re never going to find someone who doesn\u2019t annoy you. That\u2019s a fact. He eats too fast? Ok. She takes too long to get ready? So what. He doesn\u2019t load the dishwasher right? Get used to it. She leaves crumbs on the table? Not a big deal. They leave the remote in the couch cushions? You\u2019ll live.<\/p>\n
I know that sounds obvious. However, so many people refuse a second date because they discovered something annoying about the other person.<\/p>\n
Know what I say?<\/p>\n
Good\u2026you\u2019re ahead of the game. You\u2019re always going to find something, you just found this one early. That\u2019s one less surprise coming your way.<\/p>\n
\n
Is this person really annoying, or are you easily annoyed?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nThere\u2019s more to worry about than right now. Don\u2019t neglect trajectory.<\/p>\n
While dating, you\u2019re going to meeting someone who doesn\u2019t have everything you want today. Moving forward with this person could feel like your settling, losing, or selling yourself short. It shouldn\u2019t. They\u2019re not a finished product (neither are you).<\/p>\n
Before automatically disqualifying someone, consider where they\u2019re going. What\u2019s their trajectory? Who are they growing into? Maybe they have character, direction, and the desire to build a life with you. That\u2019s actually more important. It\u2019s acknowledging that love isn\u2019t something we fall into, but rather something we build.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s choosing a different starting line. What looks like \u201csettling\u201d in the short term can become long-term stability, loyalty, and shared growth. But that will never happen if you don\u2019t give it a chance.<\/p>\n
So much of what people call \u201csettling\u201d isn\u2019t really settling at all. It\u2019s being reasonable and rational. It\u2019s recognizing that no one is perfect, yourself included. It\u2019s having priorities and sticking to them, but not overdoing it. It\u2019s giving people a chance, even after they\u2019re a little annoying.<\/p>\n
Really, it\u2019s recognizing that many of the very best relationships on the planet are between two people who didn\u2019t check every single box. But they\u2019re in love anyway. That\u2019s life.<\/p>\n
Hope this helps,<\/span>
Dr. L<\/span><\/p>\nIf you enjoyed this article, please leave a like or restack. Thank you for helping me share relationship psychology with the world!<\/p>\n
Have a comment? Please share. I read every one.<\/p>\n
Leave a comment<\/span><\/p>\nKnow someone who is refusing to settle all the way to perpetual singlehood? Share this with them. You don\u2019t have to say a word, let the article do the heavy lifting.<\/p>\n
Share Psychology of Relationships<\/span><\/p>\nHere are other ways to learn more about the Psychology of Relationships:<\/p>\n
\nReferences<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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