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<\/picture><\/div>Dating problems come down to one brutally honest truth:<\/p>\n
You\u2019re not dating who you want, because you\u2019re not the person they\u2019d be with.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Though that may sting a little. It\u2019s true. (Which means it will be helpful).<\/p>\n Most dating advice focuses on tactics, what to text, where to go, how to act.<\/p>\n That\u2019s great, but it\u2019s backwards.<\/p>\n The person you want is attracted to who you are, not what you do on a first date.<\/p>\n Authenticity is at a premium in modern dating, but it\u2019s also the secret to success.<\/p>\n The way most people date is exhausting. Maybe it is for you as well.<\/p>\n Much of modern life is inherently lonely. That\u2019s why we\u2019re so motivated to someone, anyone to share our life with. That creates a lot of pressure and angst about finding your person. To make it happen you\u2019re constantly on the prowl, swiping, looking, seeking any opportunity for romantic connection.<\/p>\n Then there\u2019s a temptation to contort yourself into the type of person you think a romantic partner wants. That may be in how you look, the opinions you share (or don\u2019t share), the activities you pretend to like, or the facets of yourself you try to conceal.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s also about what you\u2019re looking for in a relationship. So many <\/span>are pretending they\u2019re ok \u201ckeeping it casual\u201d because they don\u2019t want to scare the other person off. All they\u2019re really doing is settling for something that\u2019s relationship-ish, when what they really want is a full-fledged fulfilling relationship. (No wonder dating feels so soul crushing.)<\/span><\/p>\n The only (huge) problem is that you lose who you are along the way. It\u2019s fundamentally inauthentic.<\/p>\n Everything you do, has a goal in mind, including your avoidance.<\/p>\n You say you want a relationship, but do you really? Are your behaviors consistent with your stated goal?<\/p>\n If you keep choosing unavailable people, tolerating low effort, situationships, or never approaching anyone, failing to find something real isn\u2019t bad luck or the \u201cdating market.\u201d That\u2019s you. You\u2019re unconsciously pursuing the safety of avoiding rejection or heartbreak over connection.<\/p>\n Similarly, you might have impossibly high standards or refuse to settle for anything less than perfection. That results in conclusions like, \u201cthere\u2019s no one worth dating where I live\u201d or \u201cthe apps are all full of people who aren\u2019t serious.\u201d That\u2019s on you too. Yes, you\u2019re protecting yourself from potentially unfulfilling relationships, which sounds smart, but you\u2019re also preventing emotional intimacy.<\/p>\n You can also get stuck the other way. You might be a hopeless romantic who falls in love hard and fast. You might be so desperate for connection that you form relationships with who you hope the other person is, rather than who they actually are. These relationships burn bright, but fizzle fast. Then you\u2019re right back to where you started. Stuck\u2026again.<\/p>\n It\u2019s all fear, and it\u2019s keeping you stuck. Fear of getting hurt, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone. Those fears may have protected you in the past, but they\u2019re definitely holding you back now.<\/p>\n Ask yourself honestly:<\/p>\n How am I complicit in creating the dating problems I say I\u2019d trying to avoid?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n What kind of partner do I keep complaining about, but keep choosing or tolerating?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n What would someone watching my dating behavior conclude I actually want?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n What identity would I have to give up to date differently? <\/span>(<\/em>The \u201cI\u2019m too busy,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m bad at relationships,\u201d \u201cnobody good is out there\u201d stories.)<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n Did you take these questions seriously? You need to. Do one a day, write out your thoughts. Be honest. Be vulnerable.<\/p>\n If you do it right, these four questions will reveal what\u2019s been holding you back. Dating is hard and confusing. Seeing yourself clearly is critical for making progress.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the reality: You may not be the one who deserves blame. But you need to be the one who takes action.<\/p>\n Your dating issues may not be your fault. <\/p>\n But moving forward is your responsibility.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Yes, adulting is hard. But, there\u2019s good news in that. You\u2019re in control. That\u2019s empowering. Dating and relationships are a skill that you can learn and improve. It\u2019s what this newsletter is all about.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not stuck forever.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a version of you that dates completely differently. Not to find or attract the perfect person, but because of who you actually are.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not out there auditioning. You\u2019re not performing. You\u2019re living. You\u2019re <\/span>truly confident. You know who you are and you\u2019re comfortable sharing it. Your hobbies, friendships, ambitions existed before any romantic interest showed up and will exist after.<\/span><\/p>\n A potential partner senses that immediately. They see a bit of themselves in how you act, because they\u2019re the same way. You\u2019re not hiding, so they can be fully transparent too. Like you, they know exactly what they want and they share it unapologetically. Not on the first date, not as a test, but as a simple fact about themselves they\u2019ve made peace with.<\/p>\n They\u2019re real, so they find your authenticity attractive. (Feels different, doesn\u2019t it?)<\/p>\n Most importantly: they\u2019ve done enough of their own work that they\u2019re not looking for someone to complete them. They\u2019re looking for someone to add to something already good. (Good news, because it means you don\u2019t need to make them your project.)<\/p>\n Insecurity is loud, security is quiet.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n (I regularly share that idea with clients. It\u2019s worth remembering.)<\/p>\n When you\u2019re secure yourself, that distinction has real value. It\u2019s a shift that changes everything about who you are, who you attract, and who you choose.<\/p>\n Recognizing that version of yourself is one thing. Becoming it is another. That gap is where most people stay stuck. Here\u2019s what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n Want the tools, frameworks, and step-by-step strategies that make the real difference between understanding something and being able to do something with it?<\/p>\n That\u2019s what paid subscribers get, plus access to the full archive (everything unlocked) of science-backed scripts, exercises, and coaching frameworks from 4+ years of working with real people in real relationships.<\/p>\n Less than a therapy co-pay. Infinitely more actionable.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Knowing what\u2019s broken is not the same as having the drive to fix it.<\/p>\n Making the changes you need requires understanding what actually motivates behavior change.<\/p>\n What are you running from and trying to avoid? What are you running toward or seeking? The answers lie in your motivation. However, all relationship fuel isn\u2019t the same.<\/p>\n Take it from rats and one of my favorite studies. Researcher Jan Panksepp (1998) wanted to determine how hard a rat would pull for cheese by hooking a spring to its tail. Turns out, pretty hard. Rats like their cheese.<\/p>\n But it wasn\u2019t clear if the rat was doing its absolute best and giving maximal spring-stretching effort. Thinking about what truly motivates a rat, the researcher decided to give the rat another chance, this time placing a cat\u2019s scent behind the rat. Now, scared about a potential cat encounter, the rat pulled 4-5 times harder. The fear of a negative outcome (being a cat\u2019s lunch) was a more powerful motivator than simply getting the cheese.<\/p>\n Ultimately, the rat pulled hardest of all when the researcher combined the reward of the cheese with the fear of the cat. Two motivators were better than one.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a lesson in here for relationships, I promise. When dating, it helps to be very specific about the positive outcomes you seek (e.g., a partner to share an amazing life with). But you should also pay close attention to the pain you desperately want to avoid (e.g., dying alone without a true life companion).<\/p>\n Knowing both, what you\u2019re running toward and from, gets you there faster.<\/p>\n First, let\u2019s focus on fear.<\/p>\n Picture yourself in 5 years with the same dating patterns. Same loneliness, same excuses, same near-misses. What have you missed out on?<\/p>\n How does that feel? I suspect you\u2019d feel a lot of regret over missed opportunities, or perhaps the life you wanted but didn\u2019t get to lead. There may also be a sense of shame or embarrassment, almost like you failed one of life\u2019s main tests.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s one thing I know for sure, all of those feelings suck. I\u2019m not trying to be mean, but I do want you to really think about all of this.<\/p>\n Realizing what you don\u2019t want, and letting that scare you a little, can be fantastic motivation to end up where you really want to be.<\/p>\n Sit with that discomfort, it\u2019s fuel.<\/p>\n Now, picture yourself in 5 years after breaking your patterns, dating differently, and ultimately finding your person.<\/p>\n In that world, what is your day-to-day life like? What does a sense of fulfillment, contentment, and peace really feel like? Imagine feeling seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who you are. How do you feel about yourself?<\/p>\n That\u2019s the feeling you really want. Use that as fuel too.<\/p>\n Start now. You can build those feelings into your daily life starting today. You don\u2019t need a relationship partner first.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the trick. When you are someone who already has a fulfilling life, you\u2019re more likely to attract a partner who makes it even more fulfilling.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t just say what you want.<\/p>\n Do something about it.<\/p>\n What is one incredibly small thing you can do today that aligns with your vision? Notice how you feel doing it. Now, do something a little bigger. Rinse and repeat.<\/p>\n Use each micro dose of progress as motivation to stack more behaviors. Little by little. There\u2019s a momentum to this.<\/p>\n Not feeling it? Do it anyway.<\/p>\n Yes, you can absolutely \u201cfake it till you make it.\u201d There\u2019s a funny thing about \u201cfaking it.\u201d Although the specific behavior may not have been your first impulse, as soon as you start doing it, it becomes real. You\u2019re the one doing the behavior. There\u2019s nothing fake about it.<\/p>\n The psychology on this is clear, if you make behavior changes first, the thoughts will follow (Bem, 1972).<\/p>\n You\u2019re never going to think your way into meaningful behavior change.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Want to be more social and outgoing? Mimic what your most chatty and social friend does. When it comes to dating, how should you act? Imagine someone who is secure, confident, and fulfilled. How do they date? What specific things do they do? What do they NOT do? Now, you do the same.<\/p>\n Finally, don\u2019t settle for vague goals. Make a plan. Research backs this up. In a 16-week study, people who wanted to change actually did (Hudson & Roberts, 2014). But the ones who made the most progress weren\u2019t the ones with the strongest desire. Saying \u201cI want to be more sociable,\u201d is simply a wish<\/p>\n The more successful participants were the ones who had more specific plans, focusing on behaviors like \u201cI will start a conversation with a stranger,\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll say \u2018Hi\u2019 to 10 people today,\u201d or \u201cI will smile more.\u201d Everyone wants to change. That\u2019s easy. Knowing exactly what you\u2019re going to do differently is what actually leads to meaningful change.<\/p>\n Then let compounding interest work for you. Change will be slow at first, but powerful with patience.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a simple solution:<\/p>\n Be the right person to attract the right person.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Stop trying so hard to attract the right person. Become someone who naturally lives in a way that makes the right relationship inevitable.<\/p>\n You know how people always say they found their partner when they weren\u2019t looking? This is how that happens.<\/p>\n Someone out there is living a full life, knows who they are, and isn\u2019t out there desperately searching. Not auditioning, not hiding, not settling for relationship-ish.<\/p>\n They\u2019re looking for someone exactly like that.<\/p>\n Right now, are you that person?<\/p>\n If not, that\u2019s your priority.<\/p>\n Not because you\u2019re broken. But because you deserve a relationship that\u2019s actually real, and so does the person you haven\u2019t met yet.<\/p>\n Hope this helps,<\/p>\n Dr. L<\/p>\n If you enjoyed this article, please leave a like or restack. Thank you for helping me share relationship psychology with the world!<\/p>\n Have a comment? Please share. I read every one.<\/p>\n\n
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